The Hellgate Lance (Missoula, Montana) 1964-current, March 23, 2015, Image 14

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2 Newz Montana State Legislators Revealed to be a Bunch of Small Children Standing on Each Other's Shoulders Dylan Rossbach In a shocking revela- News Editor tion this past week. it was discovered that a majority of the 100-member house oflegislators in the Montana State Legislators are not elected adult officials, but actually are made up of many small children. Up until this point, these young children would strategically stack themselves on top of one another and placing a large trenchcoat over their pre-pubescent bodies. Local citizens were stunned and outraged upon hearing of the news, \I voted for an adult, a full-grown adult, if I wanted to vote for a child I would've done that,\ said Hamilton resident Randy Buck. \I just can't believe the dem- ocratic system failed us in a way that everyday people like us were fooled into voting for under qualified candidates, that's like never happened before,\ said Kalispell resident Shelly Pinkerton. As shocking as this news has come to many Montana residents, it has served as an explanation for much of the questionable legislation that has been introduced this year in the Montana Capitol. Bills that include a ban on the use of yoga pants in school, a ban on all forms of\Sharia Law\ in Montana, and a bill allowing students to bring their hunting rifles into school with them. \Guns are sweet,\ said one of the legislators in defense of that bill, before it was discovered he was actually 9. \Butts are gross;• said another soon-to-be uncovered legislator in defense of the bill banning yoga pants, \Girls have cooties\ the 7 year old add- ed. To prevent this from happening in the future, the remaining members of the State Legislature introduced a bill to require a •giggle test'' for all recently elected officials, immedietely banning anyone who laughs at the word \penis.\ Student in English Class Makes Profound Statement About Truth, Teacher Yells \GAY\ Jackson Parker Students seated in Editor in Chief English class Friday, March 6, were surprised when a shy normally reserved student named Oliver spoke up during seminar and began to spurt truth and profoundness like a climaxing truth- volcano at an 8th grade science fair. Truisms and exposed pieces of reality bubbled over, ruining other people's nice presentations, and making everyone feel a little lighter inside. \It was like watching someone paint that big chapel in France, or God making giraffes or something. Like, wow, just nailing it.\ Junior Rebecca Sweatsheathe said after witnessing the event. Those present for Oliver's firehose of gospel describe a lull falling over the seated crowd. Some recall feeling things really start to make sense for the first time. However the teacher of the room, Ms. Rombalsky, noticing how the student's attention was drawing away from her , took use of the awed silence to shout, \GU- GU-GU GAYYY.\ The class laughed, and with the teacher's tacit approval, began to pelt small objects at Oliver. Mostly pennies, plus one Sacajawea coin right in his big ol' forehead. After being properly shamed, Oliver rightly decided to never say anything insightful every again. \Everyone seemed pretty excited for a few seconds, but then Ms. Rombalsky just. .. kinda took all the air out of my tires. I still don't know why, I always raised my hand in class. But I'm definitely never putting any ef- fort into what I say again:' When asked about his future career choice, Oliver stated, \I don't know, I used to want to be a scholar or an in- ventor, but now I just feel like taking people's money and making them feel bad. A corporate litigator possibly, or a comptroller. Maybe a meter maid:' Ms. Rombalsky on a good day [photo courtesy ofFlickr). THE HELLGATE LANCE 900 S. Higgins Missoula, MT 59802 (406) 728-2402 hhslance@mcps.k 12.mt.us Layout Editor Stella Gardner Editor-in-Chief Jackson Parker Content Editor Dylan MacArthur-Waltz Copy Editor Jake Oetinger Business Manager Megan Frank News Editors Olivia Adams Dylan Rossbach Staff cartoonist , Molly Gray A&EEditor Sophia Therriault Features Editor Aidan Moser Editorials Editor Mayzle Shaver ASsistant EdltoHals Eelltor Cy Burchenal Focus Editor Nicole Philp Sports Editor Zach Strauch Assistant Sports Editor BoKendall Photo Editor Leda Colledge Adviser Jill Derryberry Backpage Editor Ben Willstein Photographer Cadon Hill Staff Reporter Brandon Skelton Publisher Lisa Hendrix The Lance is an award-winning, school-sponsored student publication of Hellgate High School. The Lance has been publishing since 1964. Ad rates are available upon request. Opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the entire paper, its advisors, or Hellgate High School.

The Hellgate Lance (Missoula, Montana), 23 March 2015, located at <http://montananewspapers.org/lccn/TheHellgateLance/2015-03-23/ed-1/seq-14/>, image provided by MONTANA NEWSPAPERS, Montana Historical Society, Helena, Montana.