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Issue Unknown Volume L April 3, 1738 DAWN OF DESTRUCTION: MEGALODON'T GO NEAR THE SHORES EVER AGAIN Danny McKay/ Assistant News Editor For the first time in sixty five mil- lion years, the carcharodon megalodon breached the surface of the South- ern Ocean on March 27th, a happy easter that nobody expected. That's right ladies and gentlemen, recall your childhood dreams because the megalodon is back. Thanks to Axle Hovadina who devoted his entire life to searching for the megalodon, \no wife, no kids, no problem\ as long as he's got his maps and shark-tooth necklace, Hovadina is content, but now he's finally found an actual purpose for spending forty year adrift in the \cold parts of the ocean\ based on a 'gut' instinct searching for the school ofmegaladons that 99.63% of scientists didn't believe even existed , like global warming. It all started back in the summer of 1976, debatably it started back on December 24th of 1966 when little Axle sat in his home in Gadsden Alabama and unwrapped his Christnias eve pajamas, what did they have on them? Sharks! But being the ignorant little seven year old he was, Axle thought they were megalodons. Not the ideal start to a career focused entirely on the misidentified animal, but that's ok. To this day he wears the Pajamas to bed every night hoping some juju or maybe mercy would help him end his search. When Axle was seventeen years old (summer of'76) he fundraised for a biology trip to the gulf of Mexico where he caught a fish . \The sheer power of this her- ring was enough excitement to fuel me through the next forty years of heavy research and extensive hours by myself on a boaf' said Hovadina in an interview. Many have questioned the logic behind Ho'(adina's pursual, and although not widely known, his mission has been followed by conspiracists for years, hints from mysterious ship wreckage and dead whales fueled some people's curiosity. For Sheft, it was also passion, \I couldn't stand the what if? What if it's down there . . . somewhere.\ The Chicxulub crater is the modern day site of an asteroid that boiled earth's atmosphere and ocean at the end of the cretaceous era , the chances of a large animal living through the impact or winter that tude 64°34'12 . 56\S and longitude 58°25'21.59\E March 27th at 12:36 AM Sheft woke up to hide eggs for his crew members and spotted what ap- peared to be sails on the horizon, being the raving conspiracy theorist he thought he'd finally found Jack Sparrow, then he lifted his pinoculars up to his eyes for a closer look and his anticipations were wrong, there in front of him swam a small posse of the creatures that he loved and hated more than anything, the bane of his existence, the spe- cies that went extinct millions of years prior to the first humans that Hovadina could not accept was gone. Lance Correspondent His hopes and dreams were valid, but worth it? \I Axel gave us the juicy details. wish I did something useful with my life ... (tears)... (photo courtesy of now-deceased those sharks weren't even that cool.\ said Hovadina photographer Cohlbey S . ) in the most tragic interview of my life , but in the wake of his realization, Axle bought a Mazda Miata and created an account on Second Half Lovin a dating site for people over fifty. followed are next to none, apparently enough to moti- LANTZ HELICOPTER FOOTAGE!!! RARE PICTURE OF v~te Hovadina through his life on the Boaty McBoatface MEGALODON FEEDING ON BOATY MCBOATFACE his research vessel. B t · th d di . d, t 1 1 . (photo courtesy of now-deceased photographer Co/be S.) It may seem at this point that Hovadina was a crazy loner combing the seas for a selfish and point- less cause, but some say he was all business. For the past eleven years , depending on the claim that Hov- adina was on the trail to the megalodon, sea world has been constructing an aquarium similar to that of the Indominus Rex's. \ We invested millions in the possibility that a new attraction would be enough to outweigh people's guilt aftl(r watching Blackfish ,\ said Barry Sirnpsonson in enthusiasm for the Mega- lodon . Unforturiately , the team harpoonist Ned had an awful cold the morning of February fourth when Boaty McBoatface left port for it's last voyage and all that was captured was a photo, this will most likely drive Sea World out of business. u WI great e catiOn comes great rewar a a 1- NEWS Zaz:zo Straz:za Centennial (pg. ~) EDITORIALS CHET MCDISCUS!!!!!! (pg. 4) FEETURES (pg. 6} A&E OLIVER GILL GALORE (pg. 9) SPORTS Sprouts get audited (pg. 10-11)