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Nir r HE RIVER PRESS. TWO LIVES. Bill Nye Shows Bow Two Paths May Ran Wide Apart.. I once knew a boy quite well who went to school with we, and in other ways had every opportunity for refinement. He was a boy with good intentions, and wore in summer a chip ha: faced with blue gingham.. Each of us had a one bruise on the same foot, and our feet cracked open on the back in the same fril ner, so that at night, when we went out to the well, and reluctantly bathed them in rain water, with soft soap, and wiped them ten- iterly'on the grass; before we went to bed, we could He heard wailing at the same moment t.) the practiced ear. lt , 11 je (114i not aspire as I did. While I was :finding scissors during the summer moth in order to go to college in winter, ne t In:ered about the depot .watching the in - coiner! and outgoing trains, and carefully obsei- . .•:ig the brakemen as they coupled the -freight cars together, hoping, too, that some day O.• might see an accident of some kind. In ttits way he obtained a great deal of crude inform it ion about the movement of trains, and how to unscrew the hose of an air brake so s.'. to make it pop. He did not care very much for literature, science or the arts. He preferred exercise in the open air and fruit. While I was strug- gling with Xenophon and Sallust, he was standing in with Shorty Hughitt on second seven, and trailing maverick watermelons with him for a ride up to McCordsville and back. When I was sent abroad to complete my studies at a large and popular female semi- hary in Munich, Jasper L Paintbottom was running extra over the hid on second six, un- ier old FlatwIneel George. Every one felt -orry for Jasper, but each and all pointed to me with pride, and the general joy when I went away to complete my education under a maestro, and it was admitted by one and all that I might not come back, was great and gratifying. I was absent for • many years, traveling through the Orient and doing the continent o:1 fo wherever the fare was too high, until at last, sunburned and bilious, but haughty and refined, I came back and sought to as- tonish my old neighbors. I reached the ad- joining state, and there my money gave out. This did not surprise me, because it had happened before. I grieved over it for a little time, and then, instead of taking to drink, as so many others would have done, went to the president of the road, who lived there. I found the building first You always have to first find the building ilL which a rail- road president has his office. Do not attempt to look up a railroad president without hav- ing first learned what building his office is in. I then went up the stairs. It was a half holi- day, and so I could not ride in the elevator because the elevator man was away acquiring much needed rest. But I heard that the president was at work. First I went to a large office and waited a few weeks, thinking that was the ante -room to the president's office, but it turned out to be the room where old claims against the company were stored away, awaiting the tray when the heavens will roll together as a scroll and each be required to give an ac- count of himself, from the agent at Hanging Rock up to the receiver of the road, for the deeds done in the body. Then I was shown to a small waiting room, or ante -room, with a hard, hot chair in it, and a small fence around it. It was quiet, painfully quiet, save the short, crisp notes of a caligraph in the next room, and a few stenographic notes lying on a roll top desk. ' They told me that the president was busy, also that he was away. I said I trusted them most implicitly, and hoped they would not mislead me. Once a big, red faced man, with side whiskers, brushed by me and went into the president's room, where he remained till I was sure he must be the president him- self, but afterward I learned that he was just down there to loan some money to the road, and which was to be used for paying divi- dends. Finally the president's hour for going home arrived, and so he went home by another door. When the janitor swept out the build - mg and locked up I decided to go away and. call again on the following day. I was shown to the same room; I often wonder what a room thinks when a man is shown to it. For a few hours I sat and listened to the guinea hen song of the caligraph, and then I was told that the president would see me.. ; I came in with that sinuous movement pe- culiar to a man who desires a pass, and leaned my wet umbrella up against the hot radiator. Behind the desk sat a man with red hair. It was Jasper L Paintbottorn, as the keen far sighted reader has already guessed. I was poor and passless. He rich, pampered, feted, sued, replevined, toasted, enjoined and courted all the way from the Justice of the peace office to the court of last resort. He sat in an easy attitude, with his feet in the upper drawer of his escritoire. His head was thrown back in a half defiant man- ner, and near him 'was a blank book of trip Passes , vo id if detached. 1 knew that they had dark red conditions on the back, holding the company perfectly blameless and pure in case it should by an oversight lose my baggage or lubricate its roadbed with my digestive economy. But I did not care for that. I knew that the road would not take advantage of me if .1 signed the conditions. Mr. Paintbottom recognized me as soon as I told him who I was, and told me to draw my chair up closer, where I could see out of the window and so down the fire escape. He was real cordial. He wished his wife was at home so that I could come up to the house and dine with them. But she was away. She had gone to Tuxedo Park to stay a few weeks with the Lorillards. He was sorry—I could see that— but how long was I going to be in towns I said I had nothing special to keep me there more than a day or two. I had in- tended to go right on that day, but had been detained by some delay in my transporta- tion. Oh, that matter/ Well, I said, my passport had not arrived, and I had called to See him about giving the conductor something in the way of a note of introduction, so that 1 would be perfectly safe. Then he took a blank past' and filled it out, made it good for thirty days, marked it \issued on account of charity,\ signed it with a manner that made his old signature, whittled on the back of our school house, look positively beautiful, told me to receipt was it. What seems to be the for it and sign the conditions, rang the bell and told his office boy to show in Mr. Plunk - head, who was waiting, wrung my hand, as he would nave toyed with a felon on his own hand, and I passed gradually out. I did not blame him at alL I blamed my- self. .But as I looked at his signature on the pass, I could not help contrasting it with, his old one, and fancying that it had changed just as his manner had changed, and so I give them here to show how naturally we drift into these things, and do what other people do unconsciously. Signature of Jasper L Paintbottom while braking extra on second six, under Flat - wheel George (taken from a time check). 4111Viliwes %It Signature of Jasper L Paintbotunn after becoming president of the road (taken from bottom of pass). —Bill Nye in Once a Week. A London BoteL They have American pensions (pronounced pou-say-ongs) in Paris. Berlin and Vienna, which lure many of my fellow countrymen and women to destruction, and of which I hope to he able to tell you something later; but, with all their faults, I think they have some claim upon the consideration of tourists which lay over tbe English hotel conducted on the American plan. You are driven up to the hotel in a car- riage, and you expect to alight at the ladies' entrance, as you would, under similar cir- cumstances, at the Palmer or Grand Pacific. But you don't do anything of the kind. The driver descends, tbnd, approaching a large iron gate, pulls a bell knob, which pull is responded to by the hammer of a gong such as pilots signal to the engi- neers with on American steamboats. The driver then resumes his seat. In the course of the morning, or afternoon, or night, as the case may be, the gate is opened and a warty faced man with a snub nose and a white apron approaches the car- riage. He is in no hurry whatever. \Do you wish to hingage apartments?\ \We do.\ \'Ave you brought your luggage?\ \We 'aye not.\ \Ware is itr \At the Euston Station.\ \'As it been hexaminedr \We presume so.\ \'Ave ye the checksr \We 'ave.\ The warty faced man grunts, presses through the gateway, locks the gate after him, and returns in the course of an Lour. This time he swings the gate wide open and invites the driver to come in. We are now in an open court yard. We alight. We enter an office that looks like a railroad bag- gage room. The \lift\ isn't running, but it will be in a few minutes. We wait half an hour. We climb the stairs. We are taken to a handsome suite of rooms. We are tired and cross. Enter another white aproned man. Would like your names. Gets them. Bows and re- tires. Enter another white aproned man, with nose like a lobster claw. Hands us bill of fare. We order breakfast. \When can we have it?\ \Himmejiately.\ \All right.\ \What sirr\ \I say, all right.\ \Yes sir; 'twill be all right, sir.\ It comes in the course of the day. We hint to the waiter that we understood that this hotel was conducted on the American plan. \So it is,\ he replies, and he says it so firmly and conclusively that it would be use- less to contradict him. We rest, take a nap, read the papers, kill time as best we can until the afternoon is well advanced. We ring for waiter. Waiter comes. This time his nose has the color of a blue bottle fly. \How about dinner?\ \Tabledote or served?\ \Tabledote of course.\ \Tabledote over, sir.\ \Why were we not called?\ \Got no orders, sir.\ \Well then, let us have it served.\ We learn later that guests are not invited to tabla d'hote unless they leave orders to this effect, and that it is served only for one hour. Our dinner must be cooked com- pletely, and the day is almost spent before it arrives. \Papa suggests Ned, \let us go out and find an American hotel that is conducted on the English plan.\—Chicago News. Ed. Ed was a man that played for keeps, 'titl when he tuk the notion You cudn't stop him any more'n a dam 'ud stop the ocean: For when he tackled to a thing 'nd set his mind plum to it, You bet yer boots he done that thing, though it broke the bank to do it! So all us boys, us knowed him best, allowed he wusn't jot; in' When on a Sunday he remarked uz how he'd gin up amokin'. Now this remark that Ed let fall, fell, es I say, on on Sunday— Which is the reason we wus shocked to see him sail in Monday .t-puffin at a pipe that sizzled like a Chinese cracker, .an' smelt fur all the world liko rags instead uv Like terbaeker. Recoverin' from our est surprise, us fellows fell to pokin' A heap uv fun at \folks us said how they had gin up smokin'.\ But Ed--ses. he: \I found my work cud not be done without it— Jes• try the scheme yourselves, my friends ef any uv you doubt it— It's hard, 1 know, upon one's health, but there's a certain beauty In making sackerflees to the stern demands uv duty? So, wholly in a sperrit uv denial 'nd concession, I mortify the flesh 'nd smoke fur the sake uv my profession.\ —Chicago News. An Intelligent Mule. \Say Uncle Rastus,\ remarked a citizen, \isn't that a very light load for so big a mule T' \Yes sah, but he kicked ha'f the load off hisself jest below the hill. It's s'prisin', sah, the 'mount of intelligence dat animile has got. He knows vshen he's got a load mighty sight better'n I do.\—New York Sun. The Force of Example. Young Mamma—Children, why are you nodding and smiling at all the policemen we pass? Children (who are in the habit of taking their morning walk.s with the nursemaid)— Oh, because Mary always does, mamma.— Cartoon. Future Mental Diseases. Visitor (to lunatic asylum, year 1900)—Is that young man a victim of marryforlovis man ia Superintendent—No; he's a sufferer from aMateurphotora phol lo. — Pb i ladel ph i a Rec- THE ARIZONA KICKER. Its Enterprising Editor Makes Some New Departures. We take the following from the last issue of The Arizona Kicker: ;044E AND SEE US. We beg to announce to the public that we have established a grocery in connection with The Kicker office. We have run a partition across our shanty and stocked the front end with groceries, and hereafter the two will be one and inseparablo. While we blandly acknowledge that this is not a literary move celculated to raise the public hair on end, we call your attention to the fact that we shall sell six dozen clothes- pins for 15 cents, and seven bars of soap for a quarter. A customer who wants New Or- leans molasses at wholesale or retail will find us behind the Counter smiling and affable. The citizen who wants to subscribe for The Kicker will find us in the back room willing to pocket his V •!,.. SALE. The editor of t, per has S.100 worth of shares in the .Sp. ticd Bull Silver Ilining company which he- will cheap for cash or trade for an all wool undershirt. These shares were presented us with the under- standing that we should help rope in eastern suckers. Either the rope is out of order or s. • • - s ere seirce. The stock has gone down te a ea. ea ea Lilo dollar, and we propose to unload before another assessment is made. We said an all wool undershirt, but we are not going to be too particular about it. If it's half cotton, minus the buttons or (laps, or is ripped up the back, we shall probably make the exchange Don't hesitate because you may have been told that we are proud and haughty We know when to come doWli off the top rail. A cONViCTED LIAR. The web toeuel. anoel. kneed hyena who Stilts t ne I; :sr cattle drive across the street charges es 1,..1 trying to lord it over this community loec.GIRe we have occasionally ap- peared in a white shirt and 50 tent suspend- ers. urnee 5db ElloW us best know how humble and b iy we feel, even when having the only paper collar iu the crowd which has not been turned mei sandpapered. We shall occasionally put on a white shirt —not to humiliate our fellow citize; is or boost ourselves above the herd, but in order to con- nect us temporarily with outside civilization. Now and then we shall replace the horse hide strap around our waist with the sus- penders spoken of, but it will not be in any spirit of self aggraudizemeut, such as might justly call for mob violence and the destruc- tion of our office. As for the old grave rob- ber opposite, we ,have already located him for an Ohio sheriff, who is expected along daily to take him away. DO NOT FORGET. We trust that none of our friends will for- get the tact that we still continue to board ourself and cook our meals on the office stove. Contributions of vegetables, game, bread, eggs, and whatever is eatable, are always thankfully received and followed by a free puff for the contributors. — Detroit Free Press. A Practical Education. Clem (to Uncle Rastus)—Am yo gibbin dat boy ob yours an education, Uncle Rastus? Uncle Rastus—Well, I don' sen' him ter school yit, but he kin tell a Philadelfy spring chickin in de (lark quicker nor I kin, dat's a practikle eddication. Time nuff yit fur him ter git into do classicks. Wow, wow, wow. —New York Sun. She Will Make Them Dance. \I can only he a sister to you, George: nothing more.\ \I'm afraid that won't do, Miss Clara. I have five grown sisters already, and, to tell you the truth, they are not very favorably disposed toward you; they think a match WIth you would be the mistake of my life.\ \In that case, George,\ said the girl, draw- ing herself up with haughty grace ,\you may name the day.\—New York Sun. All Tastes Suited. Dealer (politely)—Yes, madam, we have blankets in great variety. I can show you some nice warm ones at $5, $10 or $20 a pair, depending— Customer (astouni)---Sir, I keep a board- ing house and— \I see. John, show the tady our two for a quarter stock.\—Philadelphia Record. A Young Browning. Friend—I can't understand what you are driving at in this poem of yours. Poet (confidentially) — Neither can I— that's where its merit lies.—Yankee Blade. This Is Not • MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM, BUT AN AUTUMN SNOOZE. —Life. The Sky Gratuitous. Landrum (real estate agenti—This corner lot you may have for $400 a front foot. Dingharn (prospecting)—Isn't that a trifle steep? Landrum—Steep) No! Just look at the magnificent sky over this lot that I don't change anything forl—Yenowine's News. A Polite Boy. Fond Mother—Little Dick is a perfect gen- tlemen, bless his little heart! Coming down stairs he politely stepped aside and allowed Mrs Ilea vy weight to precede him, didn't you, darli nag little Dick—Yes, inatnina, I was 'fraid she might stumble. -- Philadelphia Record. Two Pictures. THE BOORISH HUSBAND. Wife (after putting on a new dress)—Well, John. how do you think I look in it? Husband (without raising his eyes from his paper> —I guess it's all right. W.—But, John, you might look at it. H.—Oh, hang itl don't. disturb me. W. (with a little gurgle in her throat)— Well, John, it was to please you that I had it made. H. reading his paper—It'll do pretty well, guess. W. —But you haven't looked at it yet H.—Don't bother me. Don't you see I'm reading? W.—But, John— H.—Don't bother me! W.—If you would just say— H.—You are too vain. • W. -0b, my! H. (gruffiy)—Yes, you are. W. (hysterically)—And it was to please you that I had it made, and I thought— H. (impatiently)—Oh, pshaw I THE KIND HUSBAND. W. (with a sweet smile on her rosy lips)— How does this dress become me, John/ H. (looking up from his paper)—Why, my pet, it fits you like a glove. W (with a little giggle—a happy one)— Don't it now, John? H. (throwing his paper aside and looking at her with a world of affection in his eyes)— It sets off your beauty splendidly. W. (with a pretty pout)—Do you think I am beautiful? (empliatically)—To me you are the most beautiful woman in the world. W. (coming over and kissing him)—Do you think so, John? H. (effusively)—Think so? I am certain of it. You are the star of my life. My kind, my sweet little wife. W. (delightedly) — Oh, John! — Boston Courier. A Little Mistake. A quiet man With a very florid face was in a crowd of hotel loungers up town the other night, and the discussion turned upon \beat- ing\ the weighing machines which respect- fully request that a nickel be put into the slot. One fellow could beat it with a wire pushed into it until it touched the spring wL0cli puts the weighing machinery at work and lets the needle loose. Another made it work by inserting a knife blade, and another put in a tinfoil nickel nicely adjusted as to size and shape. The quiet young man said soberly: \Why put in anything? Blow into the slot,\ and jumping upon the platform he fastened his mouth over the slot and puffing out his cheeks threw a small cyclone into the work s. Sure enough the old thing worked and the needle registered his w(ght at 150. \Well I declare,\ said one man. \I'll be blowed,\ said another, with a view r of proprieties. \Try it,\ said the young man, \it's easy.\ So they all tried it; puifed and blew and distended their cheeks tustil every one of them was tired; but it didn't work. \Blow harder.\ They all blew until exhausted, and still the needle never _budged. \That's funny,\ and the young man stepped up, blew into the hole, and it again worked nicely. \Why can't we do it?\ \Oh you forgot to put a nickel in your mouth first.\ The crowd fell down.—St. Paul Pioneer Press. Potentate Personalities. The czar of Russia found an excelsior tor- pedo in his terrapin on Tuesday. The chefski was immediately blown up. Queen Victoria is preparing with her own hand a pot of pickled peppers for the Ger- man emperor. Emperor Francis Josef is said to be quite willing to dye his whiskers blue, should the czar and Emperor William desire it. King Milan is now striving to have Queen Nathalie's birth annulled, so that the woman will never in reality have existed. The sultan of Morocco is financially strapped; and, to recoup his fallen fortunes, has commanded a leading subject to make a will in the sultan's favor and have it pro- bated. Alfonso of Spain has cut four teeth within two months, and the safety of -the dynasty seems assured.—Puck. From the \Pike Corners' Banner.\ task \Five dollars reward will be cheer- fully paid for information which will lead to the detection of the miscreants who tampered with my old mare's feed bag while I was in Perkin's grocery store on Satuday last. Ezat liapgood.\—Scribner's Magazine. R OY AL mita. Pgr...1 POWDER Absolutely Pure. This powder never varies. A marvel of purity, strength and wholesomeness. More economical than the ordinary kinds, and cannot he sold in com- petition with the multitude of low test, short weight alum or phosphate powders. Sold only in MM. ROYAL BARING POWDER COMPANY, 106 Wall street, New York. Tic !Int Natical an 14`sstIT BIENTsIN. M. gr. G. CONRAD - C E. CONRA - JOS. A. BAKER - - President. Vice- l'resident. - - C'ashier. Authorized capital . 250,000 Paid -up Capital . . 100,000 Surplu. 75,000 We are prepared to make Advances to Merchants. Stockmen, and others, at lower rates than any western bank. Or Exchange sold on the principal cities of the world. Highest cash price paid for County and City warrants. Interest allowed on deposits left for a specified time. MERCHANTS' National Bank Of Helena. Paid in Canital, - $1 50,000 Surplus & Profits, $125,000 President—L. H. HERSHFIELD. Vice-President—A. J. DAVIDSON. Cashier—AARON HERSHFIELD. Board of Directors: THOMAS CRUSE, M. SANDS, 8.8. HUNTLEY, W. D. NICHOLAS, A. J. DAVIDSON, MOSES MORRIS. L.11. HERSHFIELD. A. HERSHFIELD, W. B. HUDNALL. Exchange on the commercial centers ef the United states and Europe bought and sold. Collections and all business entrusted to us receive prompt and thorough attention. Deposits received and interest allowed on the same if left for a specified time. Bug gold nd silver bullion, gold dust, ores, territorial, governmeat and county securities and warrants. Associate Bank: Bank of Northern Montana, Fort Benton M. T. E. H. SHERMAN, Representing the firm of ESTEY & CAMP, Manufacturers and dealers in fine PIANOS AND ORGANS. All Instruments Warranted. Satisfaction Guaranteed. Instruments shipped direct from warehouse in Chicago. Instruments sold on monthly pay- ments. Correspondence solicited. Headquarters and Postoffice, HELENA, - ▪ - MONTANA, PARK STABLES! E.W. LEWIS, Proprietor. Livery, Sale and Feed Stables. Light and Heavy Turnouts by the day, week or month. Fine Teams a Specialty. horses, Wagons, Buggies and Harness on hand at all times and for sale at reasonable prices. BENTON FEED STABLES REBUILT AND REMODELED. Cor. Bepton and Main Sts., F.)rt Benton, - Montana. OSCAR JOHNSTON, Prop'r. These stables have been rebuilt and remodeled throughout and are second to none in the city. Special attention given to all stock left at my stables. Charges Reasonable. or A $3.00 premium and the RIVER PRERS one year, for $3.50. T II E St. Paul, Minneapolis & Manitoba RAILWAY —IA THE— . DIRECT AND POPULAR .LINE To principal points in • MINNESOTA, DAKOTA., MONTANA, Also to St. Paul and Mitneapolis. FOR ALL SOUTH ANI) EAST. POINTS THE ONLY LINE RUNNING TO THE Four Creat Cities of Montana FORT BENTON, CREAT FALLS, HELENA and BUTTE, Their \MONTANA EXPRESS\ Will be put in servic.. November 10th, with a Train Equipment un- excelled, furnishing splendid Day Coaches, Pals. Sleepers, Free Colonist Sleepers, and Superb Di ing Cars of latest design. \Manitoba -Pacific Route\ lo PUGET SOUND POINTS. Affords Cheaper Rates than via any other. Fast Time, Comfort, Courteous Attention. LAND This Company has for sale, nesota, .2,00a,000 acres of Excellent Farming, Grazing, and Timber Lands at very low prices and on very favorable terms. For Maps and general intormation inquire ot your own Ticket Agent, or J. BOOKWALTER, Land Com'r. A. MANVEL, V. P. & G. M. F. I. WHITNEY, G P. & T. Agt, St. Paul W. S. ALEXANDER, (1. T. M VIA THE Northern Pacific RAILROAD, The Dining Car Route ANT) Great Short Line To all Eastern Cities. 250 MILES the Shortest Route to, CHICAGO, And all points East, and the only THROUGH CAR LINE! LOW RATES! QUICK TIME! PULLMAN PALACE CARS. NORTHERN PACIFIC TIME TABLE. In effect on and after I a. m., Sunday, Nov. ee, ARRIVALS AT HELENA. No. 1—West bound limited 8:30 a.m. \ 5—West bound passenger 6:00 a.m. \ 2—Eastbound limited 11:40 p.m. \ 6—East bound paseenger 3:30 p.m . \ S—Helena and Butte express 12:25 p.m. \ 10—Marysville passenger ...... 5:40 p.m. \ 20—Rimini accommodation 5:00 p.m. \ 17—Wickes and Boulder passenger 4:80 p.m. DEPARTURES FROM HELENA. No. 1—West hound limited ...... 8:45 a.m. \ 5—West bound passenger \ 2—East bound limited ..............12:05 \ 6—East bound passenger 4:00 p.m. 7—Helena and Butte express 3:50 p.ni 9—Marysville passenger 7:20 am \ 19—Rimini accommodation ..... 8:00 a.m. \ 18—Wickes and Boulder passenger 6:40 am. For full information address C. S. FEE, A. L. STOKES, Gen. Pass. Agt. St. Paul. Gen. Agt., Helena. PECK & LACY, —BREEDERS OF— Thoroughbred Merino SHEEP. a We aim to handle and breed as heavy a sheathe: Merino sheep as the demand of manufacturers for a light, loag staple wool, and our climatic condi-' tions, will warrant. Ewe band run from Ilighwood ranch, twenty miles from Fort Benton., Ram band run from Balt • ranch (at Belt creek bridge), twenty-five miles from Fort Bentv. Breeders of Thoroughbred Shepherd Dogs. Address—PECK & LACY, Fort Beaton M. T HARLEPUIN 2798 IIIPC lir JH TRUMAN J1 H. TRUMAN & SONS, The Pioneer Importers and Breeders ot Shire, Coach, —AND— HACKNEY HORSES S EVEN importations already re;eived in IS, 50 head awaiting shipment at our stabled in England. Our stud comprises winvers at all tile leading shows in England, and the two highest priced coach stallons ever sold here. Our Mr. J. II. Truman resides in England (permanently sad buys when there are no importers there, which gives us unequaled faellitiee— of which we intend to give our customers the advantage. During the past five VPRI'S we have sad R great many stallions in Montana, and will refer any breeder or intending purchaser to D. A. G. Floe- eree, J. T. Murphy, Hugh Galen and Wm. clarke. of Helena; Semi. Word, Butte City; Win. Rowe, of Fort Benton; or Joe Scott, of Miles City—to all of whom we have sold huported stallions sad mares CIF\ Write for catalogues and prices— I. H. TRUMAN & SONS, BUSHNELL, ILL. r - we are the Pioneer Importers and Breeders of Shire Horses in America.